Saturday, January 23, 2010

God save the Queens

A friend of mine Bad Brilliance and I just got into it on Twitter about good drag queen names and I was reminded of this vintage LALALA I wrote last year. Thanks to all the drag queens who put real women to shame one tube of eyelash glue at a time.
Ladyfag's Little LALALA'S #41

I used to be a Drag Queen.... A female to female impersonator if you will....A woman who dresses like a man who dresses like a woman. The story begins when I had a big ole crush on rock and roll bathing suit wearing drag queen Tawny Le Sabre. She was the infamously potty mouthed hostess of famed Canadian parties Vazaleen. She took me under her conflamad wing and taught me all a woman should never know. On the very day I was first set to hit the stage with her, I still didn't have a name but had found an amazing treasure in the garbage. It was one of those eighties glamour mirrors that swivel, magnify and have lights that illuminate and make you feel like a star. On the bottom was one word.....Vanité..... I had found my name. Or more aptly, my name had found me while staring into it and applying ten pounds of foundation trying to make it seem like maybe there really is a five a clock shadow below. About to go on stage and nervous to be heckled a "faux queen" I realized I didn't have a last name and sounded more like an 80's girl band. So Tawny looked at me sternly and as though it was as obvious as every top needing a bottom she said... VANITAYYY... VANITAAAYY! and so Vanité Vanité was born. We had many a legendary moment involving our own securitay securitay and our Canadian tribute called Eskimay Eskimay complete with moccasins with their soles cut out to fit our stilettos.
I met a kindred spirited female drag queen from England named HoleStar who calls herself the "Tranny with a Fanny" She puts on a ballsy show even without said genatalia. Although FRAYDA COX is much more apropos name for that Ms. CONNIE LINGUS! At least neither of us had to get on stage and worry like WILMA BALLSDROP. Unlike your god given name you finally get to decide who you want to be in life. Do you want to be someone like EILEEN DOVER? or are you more of a top like PENNY TRATION. Some times the question is better answered by a Queen like WILMA FINGERFIT? Who is obviously in cahoots with KAYE WYE. Since we've already got the jelly out I might as well mention Ms. IONA SEXTOY, but IDA CLAIRE who doesn't own at least one?
Drag Queens are an international phenomena. Japan's got CONNIE CHIWA and Mexico's got SOLAMENTE ENLACAMA and there's BESSIE MAE MUCHO who I can only assume is a chola living in New Orleans. But New York is home to some of the best and we should be proud of Ms. ROBYN BANKS and her sister CARLOTTA STOLENGOODS...now that's some Bronx realness but I'm not trying to bring up RACHEL TENSIONS.
Don't let the charitable MARSHA DIMES fool you. Let's be honest, Drag Queens are usually DEVOIDA TASTE. Ms. DINAH CANCER and LATRINA BIDET are proof of that. Not to mention the unpolitically correct KITTY PORN and SHARON NEEDLES.
I loved being a drag queen. I got to get up on stage and unleash the cuntiest wrath on whoever is brave enough to sit in the front row of a drag show. I thank all the queens who helped shape me, much of what I learned about being a woman I learned from a man. Now I'm just happy being myself....No TESS TOSTERONE here...I'm just a lady...LADYFAG!

Besos Y Brujas,
Ladyfag

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